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Victor or Victim - It's Your Choice

Updated: Feb 25

In a prior blog, I spoke about stepping back and examining our existing beliefs. Today, I want to discuss a particular one that most people never realize they hold unless it’s brought to their attention. 

It’s called having a VICTOR or VICTIM mentality or mindset. It’s something that—by age fifteen—we subconsciously decide. And, unless we are made aware of it, we keep that mentality for our entire lives.


What is the difference? 


  • A VICTOR is someone who takes accountability for mistakes, apologizes for them, fixes them, and learns from them. Likewise, a victor is someone who recognizes they cannot control what happens to them, but they can choose how to respond—and do so with positivity—to those events. In this way, Victors are empowered and most often choose to be happy. 

  • A VICTIM is someone who blames the world for their mistakes, usually because when they were young, someone made them fearful of doing do. They also feel helpless when bad things happen. By not knowing this mentality is something a person can change, people with a victim mentality live their lives in a state of disempowerment and are often disillusioned with the world.


I didn’t know until I was in my 30’s that this was a thing. Once I did, I quickly realized that (1) I had a victim mentality, and (2) I could change it!


So, how DID I realize I had a victim mentality? I asked myself the following questions:


  • Do I see obstacles as stumbling blocks (victim) or stepping-stones (victor)? 

  • Am I afraid to own up to my mistakes? Do I make excuses instead of taking accountability for them and/or blame other people or circumstances (victim)? Or do I own them, apologize, fix them, and learn from them (victor)?

  • When bad things happen, do I say: “Why are bad things always happening to me?” (victim). Or do I ask, “Why can I learn from this?” or “What is something good that could come from this?” (victim)


In the coaching and mental fitness development program Positive Intelligence® (PQ®) for Leaders & Teams and Positive Intelligence® (PQ®) for Individuals, which Barbara Anne Gardenhire-Mills and I use with our clients and in our own lives, we learn that every event brings with it a gift. We might not know immediately what that gift is, but just by believing something good can come from every situation, we can start moving from a victim to victor mentality.

Another key is to catch yourself in the moment when you find yourself exhibiting a victim mentality and ask: “How would a victor respond to that?” and then respond that way. Another great question is: “What will happen if I own up to this mistake?” Most if not almost all of the time, people will be forgiving—and greatly respect you!—for acknowledging it, apologizing, fixing it, and promising to do better next time.


If you realize you have a victim mentality, you may ask yourself, “Why did I choose this mentality?” Think about the circumstances you grew up in, about how you were raised, how your mistakes were treated. Whatever you do, do not be hard on yourself—it didn’t happen overnight, and it happened subconsciously.

Think of your new self-awareness of your victim versus victor mentality as being a gift! You now know you have a choice. And, if you so choose, you can start the journey of seeing obstacles as stepping-stones, and mistakes as learning opportunities, and living a more contented, fulfilled and happier life!


If you are interested in learning more about PQ® programs and/or individual emotional intelligence coaching, we at Purpose-Filled Solutions and Evolutions would love to hear from you! You can book a free discovery session and assessment review by clicking HERE or by clicking or copying and pasting this link into your Internet browser:

The only way we can see your assessment results is if you specifically email them to us for review. So, you have nothing to lose by completing the free assessment and learning what is contributing to what is holding you back from being your best self.

Until next time!


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